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I started off pretty much with nothing but positive thoughts but I’ve since been made to realize it was all a lie. And then I started to come to terms with the fact that none of my negative thoughts and actions made me better. The only thing I ever got from the people around me was a lot of self pity.
I found out I was autistic when I was 14 years old. I had been living in my parent’s basement for 3 years because my parents didn’t know where to put me. I had been given up with for an abusive home in my mother’s home. I went into it thinking “he’s too good for me, my autism’s my problem, let me out, I can do better than he!” I knew that was the exact same reasoning parents of autistic kids have with autistic children; they want to hide a child’s disability and blame it on genetics. The real reason autistic kids have problems is often because of parents who are neglectful and toxic.
I spent years trying to come to terms with my diagnosis. I started doing my best to get out of my parents basement and onto someplace nicer. I was never really getting there. Eventually everyone around me decided to take pity on me when they found out I was autistic. They would point and tell me how wonderful I must be because “she’s so sweet.” They never had a problem telling me I was bad at things.
When I was 12 years old another person told me I wasn’t quite autistic because my speech was so different. He didn’t do a very good job of explaining the difference. I remember telling him that it wouldn’t really matter because I was a complete idiot. I didn’t get to explain the difference. I don’t remember much about that day other than this is probably the only time I ever thought about suicide.
I remember trying to tell this asshole to grow up and grow a pair with me. He wasn’t buying it and we fought. I remember telling him I was going to get him a haircut and he said “What did you say before that? You don’t have scissors to do a haircut right now.” We eventually got over it and I was allowed to stay in the basement.
I don’t know what that person was actually trying to do. Was he
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